The Beneficiary Question

How good questions can sometimes help us

I vividly remember sitting with a dear friend in a church office in my early twenties. We were having an accountability prayer time – a Christian catch up and check-in over coffee. I was unusually honest this time, finally confessing out loud to her that I would keep living for Jesus because “I am not an idiot and I don’t want to give up on God altogether, but I know I will be miserable for the rest of my life. I know I will not be able to please God.”

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

I was miserable trying to live for God because I had such a low view of Him. But it also seemed clear to me that I could not quit trying altogether or give up on the truth of what Jesus had done for humanity. At a certain level, I did believe the Gospel and yet I was young and already so exhausted.

Deep down, I believed God was too difficult to make happy. And I knew myself to be too imperfect. The combination of God’s impossible standards and my failings produced a deep exhaustion. It was untenable and unsustainable. And this is not the kind of tired that a day off or vacation can fix. I was miserable. It was a dismal way to live; I believed I would never experience the peace of God that comes from being approved and accepted. Instead, I would have to spend my days hustling for this elusive reward.

What choice did I have if I believed this was God’s character?

Not only are our deepest thoughts about God the drivers for the direction of our lives, but our thoughts about God also form the foundation for our thoughts about who we are. This is because there is a direct connection between our understanding of God’s goodness and our value to God. If we hold a low view of God, we will inevitably hold a low view of ourselves. Improving our view of God will improve our view of ourselves.

If God is a taskmaster, then we are only tools. If we imagine God is bored with us, it is because we are boring. If God is angry at us, it is because we are failures.

But if God is good and if Jesus is God’s definitive smile at us (as one theologian puts it), then we are beloved. If we believe that God is better than we can imagine, it will raise our view of self. It will mean that we are the beloved of God. We are the ones God loves.

Sometimes I believe this and I even feel the truth of this. Other times, I struggle. My emotions don’t line up with the truth and I can spin out a bit. There may be times where you feel insecure or question your worth. I hope these are rare. But I have found a few simple questions that can help disrupt the despondency.

It is by considering who benefits - who gains - who is strengthened - when I am struggling with shame, when I imagine God is disappointed with me, or can’t seem to remember the deepest truth about myself. So I offer these questions that have been offered to me:

Who benefits from my misery and thinking so poorly of myself - or so poorly of God?

• Do I benefit?

• Does God benefit?

• Or does the enemy of my soul benefit?

Sitting with these questions has never made my struggle evaporate instantaneously. But often this has helped me see that I am spending time on something God has not initiated or that benefits me in any way. This has helped me make a conscious choice with God to live from truth.

And I pray we live this year more and more in line with the way God sees us! Amen.

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Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8