Self-differentiation as living freely
Paying attention to what well we drink from
How do we live free - deep down? Freely, as in, not enmeshed or consumed with other people’s opinion of us?
I wish I knew.
I do have a guess that it has something to do with self-differentiation.
For the record, I don’t think it’s realistic - or even healthy - to not care what anyone thinks of us. That might be close to the definition of a dangerous person. To care about others - and in some ways, what others think - is part of being human. It is part of appropriate vulnerability. With the right people in our lives, it can be a vehicle of incredible growth.
But I have invested an enormous amount of energy in my lifetime into managing, wondering and sometimes obsessing about my image. This, my friends, I’d like to do a lot less of. I would like to spend my limited energy elsewhere - on things that are mine to influence and steward.
Someone once said that what other people think of you is none of your business. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care what you think but that doesn’t mean I have to make it my business - set up an LLC and elect a board of directors to oversee it.
Okay, so self-differentiation. Here is a good definition of what I’m talking about: self-differentiation refers to the ability to recognize and maintain your own thoughts, feelings, and values while remaining connected to others, particularly in close relationships. It's about distinguishing your own identity and beliefs from those of others without becoming overly influenced or reactive.
Dr. Edwin Friedman says that the only way to have real connection is to be differentiated - to not be codependent or enmeshed or fused with others.
Jesus is the most self-differentiated person to ever live. To say it another way - Jesus was the most free individual ever. He was able to disappoint people’s expectations and be okay. He could love people that misunderstood him - even hated him. Luke’s Gospel records Jesus dying on a cross and asking God to forgive those that participated in the crucifixion. He was both perfectly free and deeply loving - what a combination!
Justin and I had dinner 15 years ago with a good friend of ours, Sy Rogers. He has since passed and I think of him often. Sy was a gifted communicator. His story is quite amazing - decades earlier he was just a few days away from undergoing a sex change operation, when he met Jesus. And slowly but surely, his life began to transform. And I will never forget our dinner that night and his description of what it was like to be so loved - he said there were some that were convinced he was God’s gift to the church. And at the same time, what it was like to be treated with such contempt in the same space - encountering incredible vitriol.
I remembered pausing - what do you say to someone who has been so adored and so reviled? I don’t think I could bear it. Finally, I asked him, how do you handle the roller coaster ride of being so loved and so hated? I can’t imagine how difficult that would be - what do you do? And I’ll never forget what he said:
“I drink from neither well.”
He was saying he only drinks - is satisfied and nourished - from God’s well, God’s water, God’s opinion of him. While it is tempting to want to drink from other sources - people’s high praise and opinion of you or their criticism of you - don’t do it. I find both sources very tempting for different reasons. But I’ve never been served well by drinking from these wells. Humans are great but as we personally know, we can be fickle. This is especially true with people we do not live life closely with.
I have referred to this imagery so often over the years, as God has helped me to notice and process other people’s opinions of me, while not drinking them in deeply. I think Sy was describing a practice of freedom that involves acknowledging what others think - (how could we not?) - but then making the choice to go to God over and over again.
God, help us to drink from neither well of man’s praise or criticism. Help us to find our sustenance from Your well - from Your Word - and from Your love. Thank You for the example of self-differentiation and help us to continue to grow into our freedom with You. Amen.
“If you are humble, nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are. If you are blamed, you won’t be discouraged; if anyone calls you a saint, you won’t put yourself on a pedestal. If you are a saint, thank God; if you are a sinner, don’t remain one. Christ tells us to aim very high, not to be like Abraham or David or any of the saints, but to be like our heavenly Father.” Mother Teresa
Yes, so good!
Brilliant thank you for sharing.